"sometimes things gotta fall apart just so they can fall back together again."

what to say, what to say.. - i got this idea from a couple of friends. and i just thought to myself, "hey- i might as well try that too." and so here i am. if you don't want to read about my whole life from now on out, don't. it's more along the lines for me, instead of anyone else. just venting to something like a website that isn't even real :p kind of like those little journals we used to use as kids.. here goes nothin'.

today was weird. definitely different than what i'm used to. my boyfriend and i of 10 months just broke up. so, i didn't get annnnny sleep last night, didn't go to school. yet i went to lancaster this morning to talk to him about things. kind of a gut feeling/following your heart kind of thing. it worked. i mean, it's making me a lot happier than i was before. and we seem to have come to agreements. i can't say i'm happy with the way things are going. i'd rather still be with him, calling him babyboy right now.. - but i kind of feel like this is the right thing for now. like it's for the better, and something good will come out of it. i don't know. maybe andrew just has some weird way of playing with my mind. but that's really the way it seems now. i've never really been single for awhile. i've kind of always either had a boyfriend or i've been talking to someone. and after not being alone like this for over a year now, it's definitely going to take some time to get used to. but i've already learned that i've got some pretty great friends and people to help me through it. softball conditioning is coming up. - and since i haven't played in foreverrrr, that's something i really need to focus on. kevin and justin keep telling me that i need to find something to do with myself. i guess, in a way, being single doesn't really seem all that bad if you think about it. i've never really thought about it though. because i've always basically thought that if you had a boyfriend, or a guy like that there for you, that you were just happier. i never understood how so many people could go without a boyfriend for so long and be happy. because mine was so great. but really, you don't need a boyfriend to make you happy. being single is sometimes good for you- and in most cases, exactly what you need. it's about time that i've changed some things about me. i figured this would be the perfect time to do it. since i'm already starting a new chapter in my life. everything is about change from now on out. mixing the old with the new. so here's a list of things i want/need to change about myself. and i'm really hoping to do it in the next couple of months. or this next year.

1. i need to know how to make myself happy. without having someone else there to do it for me.

2. to not always look at the negative side of things. you know, i want to always be able to find the good out of the bad. and make something out of it.

3. to treat people how i would want to be treated. 

4. to not judge people as much. or just definitely not so quickly.

5. i wanna be able to control my anger. and not get so mad so easily and quickly. i'm real bad at jumping to conclusions and assuming things that aren't even true.

6. and most importantly, i gotta grow up some and learn to be more dependent upon myself.

i really hope i can follow through on most, if not all of these. we'll see. i've been thinking so much today, it's really crazy. not just about the whole break up. but everything in general. there are so many different things i could be doing right now instead of sitting at home, crying because ONE person doesn't want to be with me. i kind of realized that on the way home from lancaster. so after i got home, i chilled for awhile. trying to stay happy, even though andrew's clothes are ALL over my room. and then kevin came and got me. and we went to sonic for seriously like an hour and a half. just sitting there, talking, and eating ice cream <3 ice cream always makes me happy. except it made my tummy hurt. and it turned into milk.. which kevin kept telling me to drink. nasty. i learned today that lugoff people really love their speakers and freak out if they break. kevin toook me to see my best friend too. which always makes me better. i've actually been eating somewhat today, which is good. after losing seven pounds in two days. when i woke up this morning, i never thought that i'd be sitting here smiling- but i am. maybe i'm already starting to take the bad things and turn them into something good. or maybe this is just a phase. either way, i know now- that no matter what, everything is going to be okay <3 life goes on.

btw, the new taylor swift album is amazing <333 just sayin'.